Glass Heart

My mom once told me that when I was three this woman whispered to her, “Your daughter is an old soul, just like that painting on the wall. She’s going to be a healer and bring color to other peoples lives.”
My mom didn’t know what that meant at the time, but perhaps she was spiritual because now I’m twenty-two years old and this random woman that approached my mom couldn’t be more right about me.
I’ve spent years trying to heal other people,
That sometimes I forget to heal myself, take care of myself and appreciate myself as I do others.
I’ve spent years attempting to mend wounded hearts and broken souls in hopes to repair damage from unfortunate events in others’ lives that I couldn’t control.
As much as I wanted to fix it, there was nothing more I could do besides be a good friend.
For once glass breaks, you can try your best to glue the pieces back together but it will always be cracked.
You can’t fix something that is broken but you can try to put the pieces back together and fill the cracks with life lessons and hope that things will get better.
A shattered heart is stronger than one that has never been broken.
If you hold your head high enough and grow from tragedy, then the cracks will fade but they will still be there to remind you that you beat something you once didn’t think you could.
Our hearts are like glass.
We have these beautiful fragile organs that beat from the insides of our chest.
They can become easily fractured, yet they can also make our smiles glisten when things begin to go right.
Pretty wild isn’t it?
How glass can cut you like an axe taking down a helpless tree
but also act as a reflection of all that you’ve overcome.
Remember, our hearts aren’t shatter proof and without all those cracks from tragedy…how would the light seep in when the darkness starts to clear?

 

(Featured image by Sherrybookirk)

Water Your Soul

I encourage every single person to read this poem I wrote because it is relatable in many different ways. This is an important reminder to love yourself as much as you would another person because you are pretty damn special all on your own 

Water Your Soul

We are too busy trying to mold other people into what we hope they’ll become
And not focused enough on molding ourselves into the people we want to be.
Imagine what it would be like to love yourself as much as you love someone else.
Imagine knowing all that you’re worth.
Mold yourself into the queen that you are.
Some people don’t deserve your hands.
Don’t try to mold someone into something better with your precious fingers when they don’t appreciate your big heart and sparkly soul.
Don’t shower someone in your glitter
When they shower you in their dust.
Don’t share those special pieces of you
When all they give you is nothing but dirt.
People will plant little seeds in your mind.
These people will tell you they miss you and they love you
But the flowers will never blossom.
You’re at a standstill.
By letting his toxic energy in, you allow yourself no room for growth.
Yet you wait and wait on something tremendous to unfold and bloom in front of your eyes.
But you’re a daisy, you radiate sunshine
And he’s nothing but weeds pulling at your skin,
Wasting your time,
Mesmerizing you with nothing but lies.
My sweet girl, stop looking outside waiting on the flowers to bloom.
Most people don’t change.
And they won’t unless they want to.
They’ll keep feeding you pretty lies just to get under you.
They’ll keep planting these seeds in your mind and you’ll keep watching for a love to grow that was never even there in the first place.
Plant your own seeds sweet girl and watch yourself bloom.

-Don’t water weeds, water your soul

My Favorite Mascaras

Hey everyone! Sorry I have not posted in awhile. I have been really busy since graduating. I have some exciting news though! I finally got a new camera and created a YouTube channel, caterpillartobutterfly so I have embedded my latest video below! This post is about my favorite mascaras at the moment. The MILK mascara was sent to me for free for testing purposes by Influenster. Hope you like it and don’t forget to subscribe to my new channel 😉

To watch the video in fullscreen, scroll over where it says youtube and click “watch on youtube.”

Anxiety And Seven Ways I Deal With It

 

Anxiety is something so many of us deal with. Sometimes we worry if we said too little or too much. What could we have said? Did we say the right thing? What even is the right thing? Was it my fault? Am I to blame? What If I did this instead? Would it have changed the outcome?

We get so anxious and begin to overthink every life decision we ever made. If I am anxious about something it can be really obvious because I start rambling and may even say out loud what I am thinking. However, that is because I am a naturally open person and I don’t have much of a filter. But so many of us never really address exactly why we have anxiety or what it is we are anxious about. Some of us might be embarrassed or just don’t know how to express ourselves. There is no need to be embarrassed about having anxiety. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), “Anxiety disorders are the most common illness in the U.S affecting over 40 million adults in the United States, age 18 and older.”

Even if you aren’t a naturally anxious person, chances are you still experience anxiety sometimes. It’s a normal reaction to things in life whether it be because of a test, a first date, waiting to hear back about a job, financial problems, waiting on a text, and yes how many likes you got on your Instagram post. Obsessing about how many likes and comments we get on social media is something I plan to delve deeper into, but feeling accepted on social media is something I will address on a later post. 

Anxiety is actually a very common thing that many people deal with in their everyday lives. Some people have it more extreme than others and it may affect their everyday routines. In those cases, I believe it is helpful to speak to someone and to find something you love that you can channel your anxiety into. If your anxiety is caused by a traumatic event in your life then please do not try to repress it. Repressing bad memories will only make things worse. Believe me, I have been there and I have close friends who have too. The best thing to do is to confront it and talk about the event no matter how hard it might be. For more severe cases, there is medication that can be prescribed and no one should feel ashamed about that.

There are so many different forms of anxiety such as post-traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, numerous phobias, social anxiety, and so forth. Some people don’t even realize how much their anxiety affects their everyday decisions and behaviors. If you find yourself constantly jumping into unhealthy relationships, have low self-esteem due to being overwhelmed by tasks at work or school, are afraid to be in social settings due to various scenarios in your head, turn to alcohol or drugs to calm yourself down or are constantly questioning yourself…then you may want to take a step back and think about why you are feeling the way you are and how you can respond in a way that does not make you more anxious than you already are. Responding to your anxiety in an unhealthy way only makes things worse when you should be trying to make things better. It is the same with stress and depression. People who feel overwhelmed are more prone to these behaviors and the pressures from society to be “perfect” do not make it any easier. Below, you will see a list of more efficient ways to deal with anxiety.

I consider myself an anxious person but more so in the way that I overthink situations and constantly question myself like most of us do. Instead of staring at your phones all day as you wait in anticipation for a text or instead of over practicing a routine for your tryout, you should find something else to focus your time on. For me, writing is what helps me get out my anxiety (surprise, surprise!!). For you, it may be going to the gym, learning a new recipe, or simply just surrounding yourself with friends to distract you. It is the healthiest way to deal with anxiety and other things, such as depression and stress. When you do something that makes you happy, you forget about everything else even if it is for just a moment and that helps for a healthier and more positive you!!

7 things I do to deal with anxiety:

  •  IDENTIFYING TRIGGERS: To me this is the most important part of dealing with anxiety. Sometimes the trigger is easily identifiable and is something silly like I mentioned above (waiting on a text, etc.). However, if you can’t identify the problem, it makes it so much harder to deal with it. You need to write down anything and everything that has ever bothered you (at least this helps me understand what caused my anxiety). Sometimes the things that trigger us are what we least expect. An issue that has been repressed in the back of your mind may set off an anxiety attack. Maybe it is something you never told anyone about. Think about what was bothering you that day you suddenly got anxious. Once you identify what triggered your anxiety, you can come up with more specific measures to deal with the problem.

 

  • SLEEP: If I can, I try to get enough sleep. Try to get at least eight hours of sleep if you can or set aside a twenty-minute nap during the day. But what happens if you are dealing with sleep anxiety or are prone to anxiety attacks? Then what? Well, I am someone who has suffered from anxiety attacks after going through traumatic events (loss of a friend, bad car accident, etc.). This is when I try to focus on my breathing and concentrate on taking deep breaths to calm me down. I then will make myself a sleepy time tea to get me in the mood to sleep. Sometimes I will play some relaxing music to ease my mind.

 

  • EXERCISE: This is something that is proven to be healthy physically and mentally. It can help to get out all of your frustration and clear your head.

 

  • PARTAKING IN A HOBBY I ENJOY: For me this may be writing or performing on stage. Like I mentioned before, not everyone enjoys the same things so your hobby might be reading, playing basketball, or playing guitar, etc.

 

 

  • STAY AWAY FROM TECHNOLOGY: When I am anxious I try to take a mental break from my phone, from television, and my computer. Sometimes when I am anxious I fall back into the trap of overthinking things and we both know Google and social media can only make things worse. Before you know it, you will start googling things like “Why am I anxious?” “Could ___ be causing my anxiety?” If anything, you are going to make yourself more anxious from the answers that you might see and more often than not you are going to convince yourself you have some rare disease. Google might tell you something you don’t want to hear and that is the last thing an anxious person needs to read. I also find that social media overwhelms me when I am anxious. Instead, if you want to socialize with people while your anxious, talk to a good friend about it that will help you calm down. Real interactions are always better during times like these (Just make sure the person you are talking to won’t judge you or make you feel bad about your anxiety. Make sure it is someone you can trust). I am a good secret keeper so if any of you want to shoot me an email, visit my contact page and I would be happy to listen and give you some advice specific to your situation!!

 

  • TAKE A WARM BATH: Hot showers are nice and all but nothing soothes me more than a nice bubble bath! I set the tone by dimming the lights, playing some peaceful music, lighting some candles, putting on a face mask, and of course filling my bathtub with bubbles and a relaxing bath bomb! If I’m feeling really fancy I will have a glass of wine with me too. What is more relaxing than that?!

 

What are some things you guys do to deal with anxiety? Do you have any tips? If so, comment below!

You Are Enough

Below is a poem I wrote in high school. Read further down to see what I have learned since writing this. Accept yourself for all that you are…I promise that you are enough. 

I am a monster,

Maybe not the type that little kids think are under their bed,

Or the kind that does evil things,

But the kind that self-destructs.

I constantly beat myself up with negative thoughts,

The ones that leave you with a pounding headache,

And leave you in a puddle of your own self-weep,

The ones that keep you from sleeping at night.

I tell myself I am not good enough,

Torturing myself every chance I get,

Letting all the negative energy slip right into my skull,

Releasing all the good left in me.

 

What I’ve learned since writing this…

We all tend to be our own worst enemies. We are always concerned with what other people think of us because we assume that they are already judging us. More often than not, the only person judging you is yourself. And if other people are judging you than they are either jealous or are tearing you down to make them feel better about themselves because of their own insecurities…so in actuality, you should be feeling bad for those people. Those are the people who are the unhappiest with themselves. The people who put other people down to make themselves feel better have more issues than you and probably need some help of their own.

So in reality, it makes me laugh when I see someone judging another person because that person who is judging is trying to come off as the dominant, strong one when in fact they are nothing but weak. A strong person can be someone who has just as many insecurities but sees another person and admires their beauty, their confidence, and their talents. In my opinion, that is the definition of a strong person because even if they are not happy with themselves, they will not take down another person just to make him or herself feel better.

Instead, a strong person will praise someone else’s success and want to watch them keep learning, growing, and succeeding despite whatever is going on in their own life. Be that kind of person. And stop beating yourself up because your biggest enemy is you. You need to stop tearing yourself down and you need to start building yourself up. And for those of you tearing other people down to make yourself feel better, stop for a minute and think about how weak a move that really is.

Rather than tearing that person down, build that person up just like you would want someone to do for you. STOP being the monster you see in your head. START being the person you want to be. Don’t let other people get in your head. Don’t let the fear of what other people think of you ruin the perception of yourself. You’re better than that. Be the strong person I know you are.

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Risky Business

I call this outfit risky business because there is a classy business feel to it with a hint of risk! Don’t get me wrong though…this is definitely NOT the outfit to wear to a business meeting or to work (unless you work in a really chill and trendy environment perhaps). This is a great outfit for dinner or cocktails with the girls when you want to look sophisticated but also flirty!

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OUTFIT DETAILS:

Top: I found this Lavender Velvet Babydoll V-Neck Tank at the cutest boutique Polished ! Although this top is no longer available, I highly recommend you check out the website because there are tons of cute clothes you will not be able to find anywhere else!

Jeans: Petite Mid-Rise Black Jean Leggings from Express for $79.99. I got them for 30% off at the time. Always check for deals!! Right now, Express has a buy 1, get 1 $29.90 deal. For all of you short people out there, these petite jeans are LIFE SAVORS because you do not have to pay to get them hemmed…you’re welcome.

Black Cardigan: You can pair this outfit with any simple black cardigan. I bought mine a couple years ago at Nordstrom for about $20.

Heels: These strappy BCBG Generation heels are an oldie but a goodie! A bonus is that they are very comfortable and easy to walk in too! For a similar look, click on the links below.

Caparros Women’s Kalista Embellished Satin Pointed Toe Pumps. Originally $95 but are 40% off right now for $57 at Bloomingdales!

Athena Alexander Monett Strappy Pump for $84.95 at Nordstrom.

Lace-Up Block Heel Pumps. Originally $32.99 but are on sale right now for $16.49 at Charlotte Russe.

LifeStride Seamless for $59.99 at Zappos.

Prisoner In My Own Home

In honor of April being Sexual Assault Awareness month, I am sharing with you a very personal poem I wrote about one of my friends. My close friend was sexually abused by his father for almost his entire life. Many do not realize how many boys are sexually assaulted because the focus is primarily on girls. According to 1in6.org, 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused or assaulted.

By the time my friend came forward with what had been going on behind closed doors, it was too late. The pain was too much for him and he took his own life. This poem is in the point of view of him. I am a very empathetic person so I was able to put myself in his shoes while writing this. For some of you, this may be a very tough read.

IF YOU KNOW A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, SPEAK UP.

YOUR VOICE COULD SAVE A LIFE.

Prisoner in my Own Home

Most don’t think that rape,

Can happen to a boy,

Little did they know,

I was my father’s toy.

 

Creak, creak, creak, the floorboards go,

Oh no, he’s coming up the stairs,

I start breathing heavy,

And hope that god can hear my prayers.

 

Shaking in silence,

I’m a mess of sweat and tears,

He slams open the door,

Out of nowhere he appears.

 

The smell of sweet liquor and smoke fill the room,

I can no longer breathe,

My lungs are filled with doom.

 

He throws his first punch,

And I try my best to duck,

But he’s too quick,

And I’m out of luck.

 

As I fly back,

The concrete floor catches my fall,

I think my back is broken,

I begin to bawl.

 

Nowhere to run,

Nowhere to hide,

No way to escape,

No matter how hard I tried.

 

He drags me by my shirt,

And forces me on to the bed,

He rips off my clothes,

As I attempt to fight back,

I wish I were dead.

 

Blood-curdling screams of anguish,

Come from mommy who’s downstairs,

She’s too scared to call the cops,

So she starts throwing chairs.

 

She knows what daddy is doing to me,

For he beats and rapes her too,

But she is beside herself,

And pretends that what daddy is doing isn’t true.

 

Daddy is a monster,

For I see the evil in his eyes,

As he touches me aggressively,

I know he’s the devil in disguise.

 

I swim in a pool of my own tears,

As at peace the neighbors sleep,

Nobody ever hears,

So I continue to weep.

 

My innocence was taken away,

At just the age of three,

A prisoner in my own home,

I wonder what it’s like to be free.

 

13 years later,

And it’s still the same abuse,

For the bruises and cuts,

I always have an excuse.

 

There is so much pain within me,

So I beat myself up more,

By slicing my skin open with knives,

And watching the blood from my wounds pour.

 

I think it’s time I tell a teacher,

So the abuse can be put to rest,

But I’m afraid no one will believe me,

And think I’m just a pest.

 

Eventually I built the courage to rat my daddy out,

And he was put in jail,

I thought I would feel better,

But I still felt so frail.

 

After all I have gone through,

I knew earth wasn’t the place for me,

So I sent myself to heaven,

Where a good life was guaranteed.